Sound Advice for your Next Interview

Interviewing can be tough even if you’re not on the shy side of the social spectrum like me. But, you can succeed at any interview if you just follow these few simple steps:

1. Never, under any circumstances, eat anything that will make you fart excessively during your interview. Trying to smile while holding in copious amounts of gas is no one’s idea of a good time.

2. Wear a shirt that fits. Trust me on this one. You don’t want your future employer to think you are checking yourself out when really you are just worried about the continual descent of your neckline and the imminent exposure of your bra to the world (or your chest hair (?) if you are a guy—I really don’t know an equivalent. Do guys worry about exposing their chest hair?)

3. Go to the bathroom before your interview. Anything that will prevent you from doing the “my bladder is going to explode” dance in the interviewer’s office is probably worth your time. Unfortunately, I also know this one from experience.

4. Try not to eat a lot of garlic before your interview, especially if your future boss is a vampire. Or would the exception be if your future boss is a vampire? That needs more thought.

5. Make eye contact! But not the creepy “I am watching your every move and trying to understand the deepest secrets of your soul” kind of eye contact. Unless you are interviewing to be a psychic, in which case that kind of eye contact would be completely appropriate.

6. Smile, smile, smile, smile. And smile some more. And if you feel like not smiling anymore…smile! Seriously, it works miracles.

Most of all, try to have a good time. If you make a mistake, just remember it will make a good story to tell the grandkids. Which it probably won’t, but who says you can’t dream a little?

Marketable Skills

I've been in school for the last nineteen years of my life, so this is the first time since I was three that I haven’t been getting ready to go to school at the end of August. All that schooling must account for something, right? Like these eleven reasons why any company should hire me instantly:

            1. I can knit as fast as your grandmother

            2. I can reach things on high shelves

            3. I can pick up things on the floor with my feet

            4. I can write a mean English essay in three hours or less

            5. I know enough camp songs to put a troll to sleep

            6. I can read cursive

            7. I can summarize the plots of at least twenty Grimms’ fairy tales

            8. I can and have used all the gadgets on my Swiss Army knife

9. I know the proper way to peel and chop an onion

            10. I can accurately identify almost all Flogging Molly songs within the first ten seconds

11. I once memorized the first twelve stanzas of Poe’s “The Raven”…and I’d do it again.

Now I just need to find a job that requires me to knit while reaching (with my feet) to a high place to chop onions with my Swiss Army knife, frantically writing an essay about Grimms’ tales in cursive, singing “The Raven” to the tune of “Barges” and simultaneously indentifying the names of a string of Flogging Molly songs to my stupefied audience.

I’ll let you know what I find.


Update: On second thought, maybe I should just drive a horse-drawn cab.

Facts and Figures

Number of months since I graduated from Bryn Mawr: 3

Number of weeks that summer camp kept me employed: 10

Number of viable jobs I currently have: 0

Number of job applications I have submitted so far: 6

Number of Craigslist ads I have looked at: approx. 1532098098

Number of jobs, out of those that I have been qualified for: maybe 2

Number of companies looking for someone with computer skills and/or retail experience: 392340

Number of companies looking for someone with awesome English skills: 0

Most interesting job I have found so far: Horse-drawn cab driver in Center City (http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/etc/2552241873.html if you are interested)

Places where I have applied, in order of relevance to my overall life goals (most to least relevant):

Free Library of Philadelphia (homework helper)

Character Development Bookstore (sales associate)

The Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education (environmental educator)

Micheal’s Crafts (sales associate)

Starbucks (barista)

Top Tails Dog Walking Company (dog walker and slave)

Number of places that I have heard back from so far: 2

Of those, number who could only offer me about 4 hours a week: 1

Number that would TAKE OVER my life and not pay well: 1

Places that will be receiving a resume and cover letter from me in the next few days:

Learning by Grace (Christian homeschooling online teacher– more on this later)

Eastern State Penitentiary (tour guide)

Cupcakes Gourmet (sales person)

Hours that I just spent writing this blog that might have been better spent writing said cover letters: .75

Number of hurricanes that have hit Philadelphia since I started looking for a job: 1

If only I could use that as an excuse.