Monday, August 29, 2011

Marketable Skills

I've been in school for the last nineteen years of my life, so this is the first time since I was three that I haven’t been getting ready to go to school at the end of August. All that schooling must account for something, right? Like these eleven reasons why any company should hire me instantly:

            1. I can knit as fast as your grandmother
            2. I can reach things on high shelves
            3. I can pick up things on the floor with my feet
            4. I can write a mean English essay in three hours or less
            5. I know enough camp songs to put a troll to sleep
            6. I can read cursive
            7. I can summarize the plots of at least twenty Grimms’ fairy tales
            8. I can and have used all the gadgets on my Swiss Army knife
9. I know the proper way to peel and chop an onion
            10. I can accurately identify almost all Flogging Molly songs within the first ten seconds
11. I once memorized the first twelve stanzas of Poe’s “The Raven”…and I’d do it again.

Now I just need to find a job that requires me to knit while reaching (with my feet) to a high place to chop onions with my Swiss Army knife, frantically writing an essay about Grimms’ tales in cursive, singing “The Raven” to the tune of “Barges” and simultaneously indentifying the names of a string of Flogging Molly songs to my stupefied audience.

I’ll let you know what I find.

Update: On second thought, maybe I should just drive a horse-drawn cab.

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