Interviewing can be tough even if you’re not on the shy side of the social spectrum like me. But, you can succeed at any interview if you just follow these few simple steps:
1. Never, under any circumstances, eat anything that will make you fart excessively during your interview. Trying to smile while holding in copious amounts of gas is no one’s idea of a good time.
2. Wear a shirt that fits. Trust me on this one. You don’t want your future employer to think you are checking yourself out when really you are just worried about the continual descent of your neckline and the imminent exposure of your bra to the world (or your chest hair (?) if you are a guy—I really don’t know an equivalent. Do guys worry about exposing their chest hair?)
3. Go to the bathroom before your interview. Anything that will prevent you from doing the “my bladder is going to explode” dance in the interviewer’s office is probably worth your time. Unfortunately, I also know this one from experience.
4. Try not to eat a lot of garlic before your interview, especially if your future boss is a vampire. Or would the exception be if your future boss is a vampire? That needs more thought.
5. Make eye contact! But not the creepy “I am watching your every move and trying to understand the deepest secrets of your soul” kind of eye contact. Unless you are interviewing to be a psychic, in which case that kind of eye contact would be completely appropriate.
6. Smile, smile, smile, smile. And smile some more. And if you feel like not smiling anymore…smile! Seriously, it works miracles.
Most of all, try to have a good time. If you make a mistake, just remember it will make a good story to tell the grandkids. Which it probably won’t, but who says you can’t dream a little?
In this economy, vampires might be looking for even more special qualities (like a sexy neck vein) in an employee, so you'd be better off unemployed than getting an unsolicited Christmas bonus of pseudo-immortality.
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